starting new.

It took my boyfriend of 51/2 years telling me he doesn't want to "try" anymore for me to realize and really say out loud for the first time what I want in a life long partner.

I want a best friend. I want someone who is strong where I am weak, who picks me up when I'm falling. Someone who loves me just as much as I love him and isn't afraid to show or tell me. I want someone who pushes me when I fall behind; who has so much commitment to our relationship that they don't want to ever quit "trying". I want someone who isn't afraid to love me more than he loves himself.

I never thought I would be where I am at this moment today. I never thought I'd be watching the person I love most in this world slowly move out of our apartment. It's like a sick surprise every day when I get home from work and find a few more things gone.

In the last 48 hours, I think I've been eerily calm about it. Don't get me wrong, the tears have been flowing, but only when the memories of our 30 minute break up pop into my head or when my sweet friends and family give me words of encouragement. Otherwise I just sit with this numb feeling inside me and a heavy heart.

I always try to be a positive person. It's something that sometimes I have to work really hard towards. I know deep down in my heart that everything happens for a reason; and I have the faith to know that in the end, everything will work out the way God has planned.

Whenever I am faced with a situation that didn't turn out how I wanted it to, I always try to find 3 things I learned from it. Here are my 3:

1.  I have learned that if I give 100% towards something and it doesn't work out, I have nothing to regret. I did my best and I cannot control anyone or anything else in life.
2.  I now know not to be afraid to say what I want from a relationship. I need to learn to swallow my fear of the outcome of the situation and just say it.
3.  I have been reminded that my friends are my friends for a reason. They TRULY are the MOST AMAZING people I have ever met; and if it wasn't for him, I would have never met some of them. I am SOOO glad I wasn't one of those girls who dropped all of her girlfriends for a boy, because ultimately in the end, they are still standing by my side and he is not.

So as I take down memories of us in the house, keep myself preoccupied, and sleep with the TV blaring to drown out my thoughts, I know that each day will get better and that one day...I'll find my way.