contentment.

One of my favorite bloggers, Blue-eyed Bride had an amazing post on contentment today.

She explained how she feels about life and the events that happen in it. I can’t say it better than her so I will quote her:

“I kind of look at my life like a scrapbook and it needs to have certain pictures in it. Not for anyone else, but for me to feel like I “checked that box.” The scrapbook, in my mind, looks something like this: get a driver’s license, get a car (used, new doesn’t matter), graduate high school, go to college, turn 21, graduate college, go to grad school, finish grad school, start a job, meet “the one”, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have a baby, have another baby, have another baby…. Then what? What do you wait for and wish for next?”

As I read her post all I thought to myself was, “oh my gosh, that is me to a T.”

I don’t know if anyone else out there is like me, but since I was in high school and had my first significant crush I’ve had a life planned out for myself {finish college at 22, married by 24, get a dog, have a kid at 26, and another kid at 28}. Sounded fabulous when I was 15.

I met my first true love at the age of 20 {he was 18}. After about a year and a half of dating I KNEW that he was the one I wanted to marry. But since he was 2 years my junior, I knew the “life plan” wasn’t going to happen. Was I crushed? Truthfully, not one bit. I knew we’d make a life with each other when the time was right.

Fast forward to age 24. I was done with school, had my first big girl job, he had 1 year of school left, and ALL of my friends were getting engaged. I tried SOOOO hard not to let it bother me, I really did. But it was hard. I went thru months of wanting it so badly, to months of knowing I was just wanting the hoopla and wasn’t ready to be married, back to months of wanting it. I was starting to get antsy. I knew he wasn’t ready for marriage and neither him nor I knew exactly when he would be. Heck we hadn’t lived in the same town for more than 3 months in over 3 years!

At age 25 and 3 months, he moved home and in with me. I should have been content right? I was, I was SO excited to have him home finally, to spend more than just 3 days at a time with him, to get in to “our” routine. That’s when the REAL antsy-ness began. I fell EVEN MORE in love with him when he moved in. I already knew his quirks, his down falls, his greatnessess; we each had our routines apart from each other and together. I felt like we were married but without sharing money or a marriage license.

That’s where it began. That’s where the demise began. In my head I thought, “we’re pretty much married any ways, what’s the hold up.” It didn’t help that ALL of our friends, parents of our friends, co-workers, complete strangers, and even my parents would ask when we were going to get married. He said I put the pressure on him, but in all reality I felt the pressure from everyone else too. So to deal with the outside pressures and my own uncertainty about it, I made sarcastic jokes and comments about if we would ever or when we would get married. I should have just been happy to have him here with me in the same town. But I wanted to get engaged, get a house, get a dog, and eventually have a baby.

Throughout the last 3 years of our relationship, I knew that it would be a slow route to marriage and truthfully I was just fine with that. I was willing to wait {as long as I was 100% sure that it would happen at some point}, but I never had that 100% certainty that a proposal was going to happen. Maybe that’s where my contentment issues laid.

As those 3 years passed I realized more than ever that I wanted a life with him, a marriage, the commitment; not the engagement hoopla, not the big wedding. Had he asked me to run away and elope, I would have done it faster than a heartbeat. But I didn’t let that be known, I still talked about an engagement and a wedding {blame it on the planner in me; and everyone else talking about theirs}.

I look back and wonder was my non-contentment the one factor that ruined our relationship? Was I the problem?

I’m not a stupid girl and I know that the reasons we broke up are FAR more than just me being the problem. Maybe I didn’t have contentment because I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was.

I wake up every morning and erase that future I saw with him, then I tell myself not to plan for the future {that life event kind of future}. It’s a hard thing for someone like me to do, but I have no choice because my future life is COMPLETELY unknown. And that scares the living shit out of me.

BUT I know that with God, my friends, and my family, I’ll get thru it. I’ll find that person who wants to plan our future TOGETHER.

I’ve always lived by EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, and it does. It may be hard to believe at times, but you have to have faith that it’s true.

God has a plan for me, I just have to find my way thru it!